ordinary occurences

Working for what the world will not give me

2006-04-25T16:06:00.000+08:00

After an interview at a prestigious agency, I realised that what I wanted to try was what I did not hope to experience. I wanted a fulfilling life with people and the things given by You to enjoy, not to spend 12-16 hours at work everyday. What is the glory of it all at the end? All that I labour and work for is not for myself, but You, Lord Jesus. When Paul was imprisoned, he was a prisoner of Jesus Christ. He was also a prisoner for the Gentiles' sake. At the end, the intent of the revelation of God's grace and mystery is that the manifold wisdom might be revealed to the invisible powers of this world through Your Church. Paul's missionary efforts was toward the fulfillment of this purpose, Your eternal purpose (Ephesians 3:1-13). I am a labourer for Jesus Christ. A daughter for Jesus Christ. A sister and friend to another for Jesus Christ. It doesn't matter what I do, but within my power, I must choose what is manageable within my means to achieve excellence bi-focally for God's eternal purpose in this present urbanised and developed country.

Reflection of compromise for democracy

2006-04-22T10:40:00.000+08:00

Today I had an extraordinary (but not as outstanding) surreal dream of my loved ones keeping 2 unwanted strangers in the house. One is a little boy, the other a mature lady, who might have a guy friend. Even I knew the bondage, I was fearful to offend. I must not compromise what is wrong and abominable for democracy.

God's great love for sinners

2006-04-21T11:36:00.000+08:00

After Thiam Bon's sharing on godly repentance, Jerry Bridges' words kept me from self-centred grief from my sin. The conscious action of acknowledging sin and standing in shame before the One I offend is different from rushing to say 'I'm sorry' to gain His favour and forgiveness so as to not to carry that sense of guilt upon myself. I decided to bear my guilt and shame and bow before God in His presence, silent in prayer. However, it it was not before long I felt the heaviness lifted in me. Upon this deliverance, I deeply appreciated His exhibition of love and grace for me.

Sanctification

2006-04-21T11:06:00.000+08:00

From the many days of Quiet Time I recently had in the passage of I Peter, Rev John Piper's exposition has brought me to understand how far I have strayed from growing in faith, love, hope and God's grace in my life. In fact, I was drifting further from the very desires and purposes when He called us. From being the person who likes to express love through action and loving to accomplish tasks, my devotion in serving Christ because I love Him diminishes in my heart and mind over the years. Fear and anxiety creep in if things are not fulfilled for the benefit of people. My eyes turned to circumstances rather than the purpose and desire once committed to Christ. Therefore, there was a time of doubt if the gospel truth was ever sufficient to meet the needs of humanity in this godless world. I have missed the mark terribly, that it became a bad habit. I don't know how I might have influence other siblings in the ways of handling things and serving God over the years. Doing the right things without faith makes an individualistic self-righteous pig. That's ugly. How sincerely wrong I have been in serving Christ! To this understanding, I found relief in the decision made on 16 March to step out of a facilitative structure of ministry. Usually if there is an ounce of strength and energy left, I will recklessly spend it to do the right things. Now being physically down more frequently, it was virtually impossible to keep up with the things to accomplish. Perhaps the depression was a gift to break my fall into a deep destruction of the soul in the perspective of God, faith and His grace.

Thought patterns actions

2006-04-20T20:48:00.000+08:00

We only know what we act on. OR We only believe what we obey. Tune in carefully to our behavioural patterns and responses to world and daily affairs, and we might just trace the extent of growth as a person.

Galatians Five

2006-04-13T14:43:00.000+08:00

Galatians 5 is a beautiful passage. I am lost in my faith, and angry that I am lost. When will I be able to stand up on my two feet, understanding faith and experience the joy of living by faith? The ministry is so well structured that it became overbearing for my weak faith to stand. I was moving faster than I was growing, pulling myself faster than I can run. A power-packed battery with insufficient guarantee that it will last. I have not grown much since I served much. In my service, I did not understand the kind of freedom in Christ I ought to have according to Galatians 5. I have learnt the wrong things in my servanthood. Instead of perceiving myself as an heir, I took back the mindset of a slave, taking over the work of Christ, and treat His work as insufficient. This is very much similar to the parable of the prodigal son, me being the elder brother, saying to the Father,"Lo, these many years I have SERVED you, and I never disobeyed your command." I did not rely myself to become a Christian; therefore I ought not rely on myself to live as a Christian. God saved us by grace, and the way to move on is to cast myself wholly back to the grace of God again, looking to the cross of Christ as the one boast of my life. "Far be it from me to glory except in the corss of our Lord Jesus Christ by which the world was crucified to me and I to the world." - Galatians 6:14 Our present life is a life of waiting. "But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope." - Galatians 5:5 Turn back from self-exalting pride and self-confidence; and turn to the cross of Christ and His grace. Live a life of freedom from self-protecting anxiety and a passion to double my joy in God by giving it away to others.

Jesus is still Lord of the mind and the body

2006-03-28T11:39:00.000+08:00

In the course of the past month, I have keenly desired seclusion from communication with people. Just in case it is portrayed that my struggle to be in church and caregroup is the emphatic predicament of this note, it is not. Depression is a 'flu' to the mental mind in the same way a flu is to the physical body. Whether it is the mind or body, Jesus is Lord of them all. Above the struggles, the peace of God that transcends all understanding has guarded my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Incidentally, I have a few friends who had this genuine struggle of being in a church for their inconsistent ability to communicate, or receive understanding from majority of the people who may bring them to term themselves 'abnormal' in front of them. I must say, the struggle is far from solvable by logical persuasion.

Master your self

2006-03-26T00:53:00.000+08:00

Thought of the Day: One of the greatest victories in life is to be able to master your own self.

Inner wrestling match

2006-03-23T19:19:00.000+08:00

Face-to-face Argument 6.15 - 6.45pm What I have been unable to grapple with the issues of my life, and at the same time awed by the wonder of God's great mercy and grace. When the perspective of God's divine position as a Deity and Creator, there is no one who will not fear Him for who He is. - The issues of my old self. - self will: willing to follow God if He goes my ways -- that might be what broke out in late 2001. - self will: the desire to be in control, not wanting to dwell in uncertainty of future. When God didn't give specific direction, perhaps it's because I was never ready to fully trust Him, and love to be maximising self-sufficiency. - selfish pride: do not like to be stuck, like to be move anywhere that's forward. What if God wants me to regress in order to understand some crucially important things? - great sense of fear of judgement: wretched and cowardly, running to desire mercy before I can deal with understanding the whole situation and being able to walk in repentance. I hate the sinful nature in me, and desire to end my life. There is a better way of ending this. Submit yourself to Jesus. Let Him take care of it. Is He not your Father still? My life is in His hands. The fact that I haven't been zapped into outer space is because He loves me, and still under His rod of discipline. God, I'm sorry for my thoughts toward You. I have got to be the most wretched sinner to do this. Let me lean upon Your sovereignty and grace once again, and live each day by faith. Though I still desire to go to Japan, may it be Your desire to be done, not mine. In Jesus' name, Amen.

A note on perseverance

2006-03-22T12:20:00.000+08:00

Thought of the day: Here is a nice way of talking about perseverance:

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." Josh Billings

Plea for the healing of the heart

2006-03-22T10:48:00.000+08:00

Lord, forgive me for my disobedience. Why is it so hard to convince the heart of Your Truth? There is no need for You to intellectually prove that who You are and what You can do. Why can't my heart and will respond to You? Why is there still such resistance? I tried to drown myself with worship and praises, in hope it will be my medicine, but I remained sick in the heart. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Why can't I command my heart and will to acknowledge? Why can't I move the heart the way the mind is moved by understanding? Why so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise You, my Saviour and my God. Why so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise You, my Saviour and my God. Why so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise You, my Saviour and my God. O Lord, You don't need to prove Your faithfulness to me. Is it because I have not thought of You enough? Grant me diligence in the study of Your word. Bring me to hold fast to Your promises. I believe You will take care of my well-being as I served You fervently in the past, and I still do believe. Perhaps I have driven myself up the wall, and I do not understand the feelings I have. What kind of trauma have I gone through that brings my disobedient heart? I sinned with my heart, I guarded not my thought life. I will trust in You ever, for all goodness come from You. I don't want to be in this state. I don't want to be inconsistent in my faith. Strengthen my will, rid me of my sinful fear and anxieties. Let me not be put to shame.

Salvation of a dear soul

2006-03-17T11:10:00.000+08:00

God has got to be kidding me... even though I have thought that I am ineffective in sharing the gospel, because there is an invisible conflict with the facts, God will still bring me to participate in the sinner's prayer with Aifeng this evening. This is a privilege I have not been able to witness for a long time. I was quick to keep myself from sharing the gospel briefly again for Aifeng, for the fact of my condition, but glad that in the end Fayth still keep bringing me in to share anyway. I am glad to hear Aifeng declare what she believe with her own words. She felt that God has been patient to wait for her, and she understood that she is a sinner in need of Christ her Saviour and want Christ to be the Lord of her life. This is the goodness of God, He is still moving in the hearts of His people, and He is showing me what He is doing. There may be people suffering in the world, yet there are also people in the world accepting the ticket at Heaven's gate at the same time. I rejoice in the light with the angels for the salvation of Aifeng.

Work and ministry evaluation

2006-03-17T01:45:00.000+08:00

Work Evaluation It has been a long time since I have went out on my own to meet clients, and after evaluating my meeting in the morning, I need to try to improve on being nimble with thoughts of meeting customer satisfaction and assuring clients of my concepts, if which I don't, clients can remain unconvinced and want to go through the safe way of presenting their product. Ministry Evaluation In the afternoon (16 Mar), I met up with my deacon and discussed the possibility of stepping down from ER ministry. In the discussion, I decided that I needed to give myself some time to settle my faith with God before being able to march into the battlefield again. Going into battle with a loose fitted armour is exceptionally dangerous. I wonder if I loathe my condition. Yet through this time even though I have overworked the past year till now, I do not get depressed senselessly and have to try to imagine a scenario to give myself a reason for my weeping, in order to keep my sanity. I may have a withdrawal tendency, but have not deliberately withdraw from weekly corporate gatherings unless my body is too weak to sustain. Neither have I deliberately shut myself from the conversations from people, and stopped reaching out and meeting friends and contacts. I must understand that my meeting with friends are not a way to nullify guilt for having a withdrawal tendency, and stopped at just meeting legitimate needs of people. I've also gotten the opportunity to hear from her a little part of history of the departure of Elders and Chairman over the course of 2003-2005. I desire to stand firm in prayer and the rebuilding of Emmaus together in view of God's word in Haggai. The reality of problems in the church is real. Now with more knowledge, I desire to stand in the gap to pray.

Juna, Jo and Cinderella

2006-03-11T11:25:00.001+08:00

Friends are great to have, and they often teach me about life without them realising. Yesterday I was adamant about meeting up with my primary school buddy. It was a pleasant discovery about her more through dinner and at her home. It was nice to relate and hear from her view of people, her style of communication, her unique habits, and her lovely soft-toy buddies. We have really got to be the most sophisticated beings on earth, each of us are just so special. Today I am happy to have met up with Joey. She's the sort of person I would not believe we'll mix well since we have almost nothing in common, but we did. When I complained my weight touched 50, she cringes her eyes and stares at me as if she was going to strangle me, told me that she wanted to strangle me. That was the last time I complained. We talked from bras to work and work to dogs. Both of us whine with work, but her whines are more comical. She often leaves me in stitches for her whines with life. She envies what she doesn't have, I get upset with what I lack. Sometimes when she gets mushy with words, I don't know if I have been a great friend to her. In a way, as she reaffirms her love for her friends, she renews my commitment as a good friend to her. I am very happy to have a friend like her who is so blatantly real to her close friends. At the back of my mind I wonder when she will be close enough to consider Jesus as a friend in her heart. Meeting up together at Cindy's place was another great treat. I remember why I like to hang out with chirpy chatty people. Both of them generally are. I guess I am still in search of how I should see and communicate with everyday life behaviourably. Am I a blender, a juicer or a jug? Blender - blends with the environment, seldom contributes to added value conversation. Juicer - extracts the finest elements to communication. Jug - contains the information.

Temple report card (Early Mar)

2006-03-11T02:01:00.000+08:00

Daily insomnia till 3am. Thursday, March 9, 2006. Dreadful insomnia till 4am.

Visit to the clinic

2006-03-08T10:23:00.000+08:00

Finally, a visit to the clinic regarding my acne problem of donkey years. Got 19 Jabs on face. Painful.

Splendid solo or dynamic duo II

2006-03-07T00:13:00.000+08:00

Regarding happiness: If I marry out of loneliness, then I will continue to be lonely after I get married. If I am not happy being a single, perfectly loved, unique and complete in the Lord, I will not be happy when I'm married. Oh, and the physical part has nothing to do with the happiness of the relationship.

Announce my blog?

2006-03-02T17:31:00.000+08:00

Not that no one else could access my blog, but the decision is to open to people who know me. Type is hype, and write is tight. I can type something and edit again, if I've realised I expressed my words wrongly. If I open it to people I know, there will be things I cannot post. Everybody has secrets. My blog has no commercial or social value, much less any other economical value with its harmless content. The hypothetical proposition of this consideration is straightforward, and has no intention of edifying someone else but the relationship between God and myself. Unlike Dilbert, my writings has much lesser profitable value for humour to the readers at large - unless my life is a joke... ha. However, there should be some improvements I can do to my blog - The need to keep blogs shorter, especially the devotions. It's almost like having the need to learn the skill of writing poetry, finding the right words to express something in the least number of words, be terse and sparing with words.

The difficulty of understanding the self

2006-03-01T17:28:00.001+08:00

In these few days of more intense prayers, I begin to see the great earthly and carnal side of me. The battle of thought processes in the outboard of a humanitarian. Probably progressing to the rising Tower of Babels. Oh dear, the thought of intellectual atrophy (A wasting away, deterioration, or diminution). What respect am I putting in this aspect? Pride is adept at subterfuge, like chess gambits gain advantage to its personal prerogatives. In short, pride invents tools of contrivance and holds out strategems that one might just take a lifetime to understand oneself.

"Josh Billings said, "It is not only the most difficult thing to know oneself, but the most inconvenient one, too. Human beings have always employed an enormous variety of clever devices for running away from themselves, and the modern world is particularly rich in such stratagems." - John W(illiam) Gardner

The grace of God sustains enduring faith

2006-03-01T12:14:00.000+08:00

Hebrews 13:9-17 Things as they appear to me here and now according to the passage: Do not be carried away by all kinds of strange teachings such as new age, positive thinking, self-serving consumerist pragmatism. It is good for my heart to be strengthened by grace, not by rules and not the ministry roles I have in the church. Real faith acts and leans upon God's grace. When religion becomes a task, it is easy to sway to pretense, or an upkeep of a religious image. Who shall know the desires of the heart are maintained as pure before God? Only the grace of God sustains. Under the Jewish laws, the high priests carries the blood of animals into the Most Holy Place as a sacrifice for sin, but the bodies are burned outside the camp. Therefore Jesus Himself also bled and suffered outside the city gate to make men holy through His own blood. I will go to Him, and bear the disgrace He bore. For this world is not my home, I look forward to the city in heaven, that is yet to come. God has chosen for Himself a peculiar people, holy and acceptable to the Father through Jesus' blood. We are made holy, and shall therefore qualify ourselves holy not only in position, but in words and deeds. The evidence of our holiness stems from the willingness to make a stand for His sake as strangers here in this current world we live in now. Do not be afraid to maintain your stand for Jesus and His standard of godliness. Why try to settle here, when our real home, heaven, is coming? Through Jesus, I will continue to offer sacrifices of praise to God and proclaim the glory of His name. I will not forget to do good and to share with others, for with these God is pleased. I will obey my leaders and submit to their authority. For they watch over me as people who must give an account. I will obey them that their work will be a joy, not a burden. Don't be afraid to do good to others even though there is much evil happening in the world. The only thing for evil to flourish even more is to have good men do nothing. Repay evil for good. Continue to love with true Christian love (Heb 13:1). God calls me to continue to fulfill my baptism, to proclaim the Lord's name till He returns. I will not shrink back from any form of evangelism that provides me the opportunity to bridge the gospel to another who has not known or heard of Christ. I will also take heed of the call to holiness through the obedience and submission to the church leaders who watch over me, that their ministry may be a joy and not a burden. Songs: This World is not my Home Battle Hymn of the Republic

Evening Prayer

2006-02-28T23:18:00.000+08:00

9.50 - 10.50pm - Heart check: Obedience and willingness to seek the Father's will. - Made request for Japan studies. - Surrender general ungodly fear. - Renewed decision to be a true Christian I Peter 2:12.

Bedtime prayer

2006-02-27T01:00:00.000+08:00

12.01am - Desire to be out of town, desiring the Lord's blessings to be able to study in Japan one day. - Remember the heart to obey, therefore willing to let go for other better options. - Remember the call to obedience and faithfulness to arise and build Christ's body as a member. - In check that I leave with a pure heart, faith, and without fear. 12.48am-12.59pm Family - Healing Aunt Marilyn Chinadoll, Irene - Pledge Yooty - Work, Kid, Trust

Morning Prayer

2006-02-24T12:05:00.000+08:00

11.45am-12.00pm Lord, I desire to live for Your approval and not for the people I love and care for. You are the Lord of my heart, be Thou my greatest thought by day or night. May my heart be purified in wanting to be an interesting thinker, to maximise the use of the mind you have given me, and not use it for my selfish gains. You have made women with affections, and I get emotionally attached easily. Nevertheless, it can be still under Your control, Holy Spirit. May I be fit for Your use still, my Lord Jesus.

What is beautiful?

2006-02-23T22:30:00.000+08:00

Thought of the day: Selflessness is beautiful. Self-absorbed individualism creates less interest in the contribution of interaction and building of relationship with the surroundings and people. Oh but don't lose yourself while you are selfless. Humility calls for the essence of the absence of self, but there is a need for identification of goodness and character in a person. Self-zilchs are stodgy and unrelational.

Temple report card (End Feb)

2006-02-23T16:09:00.000+08:00

9 work marathons since Jan 2006. Body is hurt. Facing some chest pains, seemingly not enough oxygen.

Splendid solo or dynamic duo I

2006-02-22T00:26:00.000+08:00

According to God, it is not good for man to be alone, therefore He provided a helpmate. Marriage is a spiritual model typifying the relationship of Jesus and the Church. Yet as apostle Paul puts it, it is better to be single, for the married woman cares for how to please her spouse. It is not the issue of choosing to be married or single, for in either choice, there is a need to be ready to meet Christ and in the meantime serving Him, trimming our lamps. Regarding emotions: Be self-controlled emotionally. Do not be too easily attached by feelings.

The most important paper

2006-02-21T12:44:00.000+08:00

There was a time I just had this mind-tripping question: What's the most important paper in the world? Without doubt, I think it has to be the toilet paper. I can have the greatest PHD paper to bring me places, but it ranks far lower comparatively to the basic and legitimate needs of life. Therefore accomplishments are not necessarily the main thing to live for.

Don't settle for scanty faith

2006-02-21T11:49:00.000+08:00

"...Nothing will be impossible for you." - Matthew 17:20 Noted Comment by Mrs Charles E. Cowman It is possible, for those who really are willing to reckon on the power of the Lord for keeping and victory, to lead a life in which His promises are taken as they stand and are found to be true. It is possible to cast all our care upon Him daily and to enjoy deep peace in doing it. It is possible to have the thoughts and imaginations of our hearts purified, in the deepest meaning of the word. It is possible to see the will of God in everything, and to receive it, not with sighing, but with singing. It is possible by taking complete refuge in Divine power to become strong through and through; and, where previously our greatest weakness lay, to find that things which formerly upset all our resolves to be patient, or pure, or humble, furnish today an opportunity--through Him who loved us, and works in us an agreement with His will and a blessed sense of His presence and His power--to make sin powerless over us. These things are divine possibilities, and because they are His work, the true experience of them will always cause us to bow lower at His feet and to learn to thirst and long for more. The disciples have done miracles before this episode. It was an evidence of the lack of faith in them. It can be evidently seen in contrast after Christ's resurrection, that they reached the fullness of faith and turned the world upside down in preaching the gospel. When we talk about exercising faith, it is not desiring to have power to avert disaster and purge all unpleasant circumstances. It is about practicing faith on a daily basis in an ever-living God and achieving the impossibilities by His power to do His will. In Jewish tradition, the phrase of moving mountains is an imagery used to describe the extent of virtual impossibility. Jesus seemed to be saying that even if we have a mustard-seed faith to move mountains and cast out demons, that would still be scratching the surface of the life of faith. One note is to be careful not to be infatuated with God's power, for even if we had not love, we are nothing (I Corinthians 13:2). We are called not to rejoice in our triumphant empowerment, that spirits submit to us, but at the fact that our names are written in heaven (Luke 10:17-20). God will lead us to maturity through hard tests for His name's sake, that we may actively trust in His provision and power. Jesus gives us access to tremendous power to accomplish His will. Am I willing to follow where He leads, even if it should involve certain danger and suffering? Jesus' own example shows us, however, that those who have an intimate faith relationship with God act in compassion for others' needs rather than exploiting power frivolously (Mt 4:3-10). Matthew Henry

It is madness

2006-02-21T11:41:00.000+08:00

It is madness To hate all roses because you got scratched with one thorn To give up on your dreams because one didn't come true To lose faith in prayers because one was not answered To give up on your efforts because one of them failed To condemn all your friends because one betrayed you Not to believe in love because someone was unfaithful or did not love you back To throw away all your chances to be happy because you did not succeed on the first attempt Anonymous

God is God

2006-02-20T14:45:00.000+08:00

God is God Steven Curtis Chapman And the pain falls like a curtain On the things I once called certain And I have to say the words I fear the most I just don’t know And the questions without answers Come and paralyze the dancer So I stand here on the stage afraid to move Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust Chorus: God is God and I am not I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting God is God and I am man So I’ll never understand it all For only God is God And the sky begins to thunder And I’m filled with awe and wonder ‘Til the only burning question that remains Is who am I Can I form a single mountain Take the stars in hand and count them Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me He is first and last before all that has been Beyond all that will pass Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge How unsearchable for to Him and through Him and from Him are all things So let us worship before the throne Of the One who is worthy of worship alone --- God should take the rightful position in our hearts, and we should have the right perpective of the position of God in our minds.

Closing the chapter on the exiguity of trust

2006-02-20T13:46:00.000+08:00

Along life's road, I've grown to be more exiguous in my trust in God, preferentially walking by sight with a half-baked faith. The tussle with staying in my vocation has been discussed many times over, and I thirst for a reason from God for wanting me to stay. On 22 Jan 2006, Dr Freddy Boey touched on the Names of God for the second week at our service, and spoke these few instructional lines that I understood God wanted to speak to me: "The Lord Almighty is Almighty not because He answered all your prayers. The Lord is Almighty because He will steer you to His ways. He will end as a God you serve. May we learn this fact in a shorter time than the Israelites. You must learn to acknowledge Him as the Boss, not you. You are the clay, He is the Potter. God is not only sovereign, but He is loving too." Who am I to demand an answer from God to explain things to me when I am just a clay in His hands? --- On 5 Feb 2006, Rev Chris Chia came and spoke to us in Psalm 34, speculating the underlying core of my inability to respond in complete faith and trust. David worshipped to God and ran to Him as his first resort in a life-threatening crisis. He was committed to praise God, in thinking favourably about Him all the time. What am I committed to? If one commits himself to money, then his behaviour and ways would exhibit himself as a money-faced person. If one commits himself to happiness, then he may be more likely to divorce his spouse if things do not work out in his marriage. I am committed to a life free from human suffering and pain, then I would just land myself in a constant struggle to fully follow His ways and compromise in my values to suit the situation. "When you can't see His hands, trust His heart. God may allow hurt to come into our lives, but He never intends to harm us." I see the need to trust in the very person and character of God regarding the circumstances in my life, and stop taking the pill of bitterness. God promises spiritual protection at all costs, though we may lose our lives on earth. --- On 17 Feb 2006, God spoke through Psalm 84 in my Quiet Time with Yap Ai. "Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts to pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion." - Psalm 84:5-7 How is it possible to make a time of seared sorrow a place of springs? Flood it with tears? He assured, those who set their hearts on Him, trusting the very character of God, will be able to go from strength to strength. God does not promised the pathway will be free from pains, but He assured us of His empowerment. You thirst for a reason to stay. If I am the reason, is it enough for you? --- On 18 Feb 2006, there was a quote mentioned in the session Marketplace Consumerism in the Church during Adult Fellowship that describes: For a Christian living in this world, he will have to face the constant tussle in doing what is right. Those who do not realise that this struggle is a good thing acts to remove it by moving into circles that totally remove the need to choose. Isn't it true, that I long for an environment that frees me of this tussle of pain? I wanted so badly for God to deliver me, but it is impossible to live a godly life in this world, when it is set at enmity against God. When Christ is on the throne of my life, all things will be in order. Our Christian life, whether be it about our personal walk or in the church, it's about God and being God-centred. --- I have to close this chapter, and learn to take a step of faith to turn from the thoughts that does not draw me closer to Jesus. All these He has spoken is with the intention of drawing closer to His heartbeat, His will, His wonderful plans for me. I am ready to forsake my will daily and want to be prepared to serve You where You lead me.

Pruned to yield fruit

2006-02-20T13:00:00.000+08:00

"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." - John 15:2 'Prune' from Greek: 2508. kathairo kath-ah'-ee-ro from 2513; to cleanse, i.e. (specially) to prune; figuratively, to expiate:--purge. Recently I was dazed by the incidents that seem to make me a target. I wonder at the sequence of trials in my life. They seem so sequentially planned. There might not have many vineyards around in an urbanised country, but perhaps one can imagine the scene of it - Luxuriant wealth of leaves on the the vines in rich autumnal glow, untrimmed, with a tangle of weeds and grass on the ground, utterly uncared for. If this is the kind of vineyard that the gardener ceases to prune, trim, harrow; it would be bleak to expect a desired fruit from the vine in due season. It can be true to say comparative uselessness is the condition of freedom from suffering. Do we wish God would cease to prune our lives and leave us alone? "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 'Make level paths for your feet,' so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed." - Hebrews 12:11-13

Conversation with God

2006-02-19T03:40:00.000+08:00

2.50am - 3.40am Lord, take away my carnality and fill me with all spiritual wisdom and knowledge. After serving for a time, I have lost the purpose of service, losing the goal of knowing You more. I was more concerned about what I can do for You than being there to savour every moment the process of knowing You more. No doubt, we must ensure things are done properly, but I was worried. I wonder if I would still serve You joyfully, if I become handicapped of my hands. I remembered my request to You if I can be instrumental in my family's salvation by taking something of me. Elijah provided for the widow, who at that moment wanted to take her life and her son's due to impoverishment. The widow may understand there is a God who exists when she received Your providence, but not personal enough, until when her most precious thing is taken from her - her son. You allowed me to go through the night cycling accident that my mum's desire to attend church increased. You allowed my brother to see more of what God's people are like. Now the accident may leave me with a scar and a slightly weaker left shoulder. Yet for righteous and upright Job, You allowed everything to be taken from Him. I don't know if I have the faith to give up my life for the sake of my family's salvation, even though this is one of my biggest life goals. Apart from loving and knowing You more, is it wrong to have this as my only life goal? Is it wrong to think this way? Indeed, Lord, You are righteous. You kept me hanging on to this job so that I do not abandon or forget my prayer to You. I almost forgot that I wanted to work hard in the marketplace that my brother can see that You can bless a Christian in this aspect as well, and being a Christian is not losing his current goals, dreams and ambitions, and be a missionary. I will continue to work hard for the sake of my brother, that he may know You can bring Your people to be prosperous, and glorify You wherever You place them. Christians are not non-motivated people and without aspiration. I must remember that I need not prove anything to my brother that You are God Almighty. You can just turn and touch his heart whenever You want to, without the use of my life goal. If my brother's eyes are opened to see You, he will surely understand everything You reveal, and need not wait for the life of mine to show Your glory. Yet if You be willing and gracious to use Your servant - I will want to be ready for Your use in the salvation of my family. Prayer is the greatest thing to do, yet I also want to partake as much as possible the gospel work in their lives. Lord, yet if You call me to other specific goals, and put aside this goal of gaining my family's salvation by my life, I will want to be ready to obey You. Your power is great, and there is no heart too far that You cannot extend Your hands to. I know that my family's lives are in the palm of Your hands. I will remember the things You showed me and spoke to me, so that in time to come, I will receive full understanding from the things You said. Please forgive me for what I tried to do - deny and disobey You with my circumstantial judgements and carnal reasonings.

Walking the thin line of intent

2006-02-15T21:40:00.000+08:00

I have to keenly watch my heart regarding the priority of Agape and Phileo in check. May it not be that I would be subservient to emotive helms, holding on to self's desires that purports to be altruistic. The greatest strength have now turned to be the greatest weakness.

Relief from work, time with people

2006-02-12T09:33:00.000+08:00

It was a relief to have gotten over the hectic and trying week of work, and finally able to meet up with a few groups of people yesterday. People can be enchanted by Meiying's affectionate smiles, yet to me, they often reminded me of my shyness. Fion's care for me getting to the right place in her town was much appreciated, and I hope that this wonderful virtue of hers will stay to cause her to be an overflowing fountain to others. I am grateful for the impromptu meet up with Jonathan on her birthday. I had not sat and talked to her like that for a long long time, and it made me understand why I missed them. I still enjoy talking to her the most; thoughtfully engaging. It's a pity that we shan't get to meet that much, especially with the arrival of Cadence, with the need to take care of Clara at the same time. Gathering with the rest at Grace's place in the evening was a different kind of enjoyment. There is much to learn in relating with different people, yet enjoying their company at the same time. Rev Christopher Tan spoke at our service on relationships and conflicts. I was sorely troubled about my own life and a few others in my heart. Hearing from the sharings after the sermon intensified my concerns. Let God raise more Barnabettes and Barnabinas in our midst. Meiying is one who can be a loving encourager to many, and bringing people to Christ. I pray to be a person who grows in favour with God and with man.

Unforgettable rest

2006-02-08T21:30:00.000+08:00

After working for 2 days without sleep, I managed to catch some sleep in the afternoon today, missing Serene's Memorial Service. It had been strange and unforgettable, that I would dream for the first time, the sudden death of my father. Perhaps this is one of the prominent fears of my life, having my loved ones leave without knowing Christ as their Lord and Saviour. Perhaps this is one way of instruction of what I need to do for them - pray without ceasing.

Roach crushed

2006-02-02T08:15:00.000+08:00

Finally, after making abode in the stove, it crawled out on an occasion of sudden heat wave, unknowing of its inevitable tragic demise. It probably registered the sky was falling, but it has yet to be long before Judgement Day arrives.

Roach trespass

2006-01-23T22:24:00.000+08:00

An uninvited roach kid wandered into my kitchen without permission, and apparently, when it understood that the kitchen was never opened for roach tour, it hid in my stove. One amazing fact about cockroaches is that they had been a survivor since their existence before Noah's flood. Interestingly, this roach kid is smart enough to hide under a shelter of the stove button, before it ran straight into the stove for a more secure shelter. I must say, if they are invited to save Private Ryan, roaches will make the best warfare candidates. Nevertheless, although their pilot training never seemed to impress, they have proved to be the best infiltrators and hard-to-die perpetrators in the corners of places that are ever challenging to the modern home. Press on homemakers and domestic helpers!

The anxiety of influence

2006-01-23T00:57:00.000+08:00

It is of concern to note the sense and power of influence, it can either cripple or nurture you in the form and pattern of thoughts, by the wind of circumstance. (Eph 4:12) What truly makes sense in life, when all the things I crave for to be good turns out to be falling short; and much to the greater disappointment, that I have found myself fusing into the very same formed wave of imperfection from this little devastating and self-destructive world? (Rom 12:1-2) When the devil knew the graves I've begun to dig, the power of influence through other elements is employed. Wave after wave of war, the weapons I am to face is the flickering flame of reasoning according to the nature of the world intellectually, emotionally and socially. (Eph 6:12) Genesis 3 brings in the serpent, who uses reasoning according to the nature of the world to test the understanding of the authoritative word of God. If the church is no longer black and white, then it fogs the moral standard of God, which is supposed to be apparent. How should the grey areas of life's struggles be responded? Why is it so, that it is the trivialities of life that swing us off the course of our goal and purpose in life? Good sense about trivialities is better than nonsense about things that matter. Max Beerbohm
Discern the trivialities and sort them out. Though they make life difficult, they should not be considered expedient factors for the reason to sway from the journey of our desired destination. Take heart to live as children of Light. (Read Ephesians 4:17-32)

idislikedust

2006-01-20T01:54:00.000+08:00

Dust is not a friend of mine, yet it is a part of me. I'm a pile of dust supernaturally made alive by the breath of life. Nevertheless I disdain those that are not part of the component of human beings. Today I learn a thing or two from them. They gather everyday without fail, as eager as the early saints would gather for communion- unlike the current christians would do so for fellowship. When I'm too busy with work, the house will be neglected and at the mercy of illegal gatherings of duh-st. Sometimes they welcomed furballs. At least, much to my comfort, they do not have any guests that has hairy legs.

Feelings for people

2006-01-20T01:48:00.000+08:00

Lord, how do you want me to feel for people? Just 2 days ago, I have placed people above You. If I Peter says, let brotherly love abound with godliness, may the joy of human love be bound in praise unto You, who gives good gifts from heaven above.

Starfish throwing

2006-01-19T23:50:00.000+08:00

I was recently discouraged by the keeping on sight of things I probably shouldn't have overdone it. In the perspective of Loren C. Eiseley's starfish story, I was grieved by the sight of many other suffering starfish and the fact that my throws aren't able to catch up with the many more dying on the beach. Contrary to the boy, I no longer held on to the belief as he did. My heart was faint. But God lifted it up once more. In retrospect, I began to be amazed at the discovering thoughts of knowing people whom I've been more frequent with currently, loved my company, when I did not think I can make a difference in their lives. Upon attending my Elder's wake on wednesday, I've come to meet people whom I have enjoyed mutual engagement of conversations. Yet at the same moment, I've met older sisters who shepherded me no longer took interest in the same manner of regard. Not that they negatively disregarded, just that I've come to discover that people do come and go. They being held with new phases of life and obligations, there is a need to let go on the same note of presumed expectations of our previous engaging conversations of them one by one. In any case, they were about 7 years older; perhaps they have considered their tasks complete in raising me up. I've had the same experience with others myself; yet in my heart, I hope that I will never treat anyone or let anyone feel that they are but a ministry at a point in time. I neither can move along in cliches, nor a good and interesting conversationalist. Yet if I could step out to give the sincerity from Christ's love, He would provide for any insufficiency. As long as I offer all of myself for the people around me, God creates in me a well-watered garden, a fountain that does not fail. I don't need to concern myself too much on current situations of people, for He will strengthen them Himself, and He will use me as deem necessary for His glory's sake. God gave me Fion, Meiying, Yap Ai, Joey, Janice, Jeanne, Jaime, Yan Ching, Huimin and Enen since last May 2005 till now. A few beloved ones at heart are still currently in contact. Lord, there's nothing I can do, may You give me grace to experience Your giving and Your loving to Your beloved people, as much as I have been loved in return by You and the people You bring into my life.

Remembering Elder Serene

2006-01-18T23:54:00.000+08:00

Today she has passed on to meet Jesus face to face. Her laughter and countenance, her first teaching at my baptism class, her exhortation and scoldings at my foundation classes, her perseverance and sacrifice for the work of building God's church will not be forgotten. Death services are not just a commemoration, but perhaps more beneficial to those left behind. I am encouraged by Dr Boey's sharing, to rise up and be strong. After the service, it is a mixture of greater joy than sorrow.

Be renewed by Christ

2006-01-17T16:55:00.000+08:00

To change the world around you, you've got to first change the world inside you. And who can else can do it but Christ?

Arise and build

2006-01-16T16:40:00.000+08:00

Dr Ho shared a sermon in Haggai 2 on Jan 8, 2006 with us. Prior the week, he spoke on Haggai 1. Haggai 2:3-4 delivers a call to consider God's glorious works and be encouraged to continue the restoration work. The people are discouraged at how far short they were behind compared to the temple of Solomon. "‘But now be strong, O Zerubbabel,’ declares the LORD. ‘Be strong, O Joshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Be strong, all you people of the land,’ declares the LORD, ‘and work. For I am with you,’ declares the LORD Almighty." - Haggai 2:4 We being the 'remnant' described in Romans 11:25, are not exclusive to this exhortation. God is with us, with the church, despite the difficulties and trials faced together in spiritual walk or ministry. I ought not give up what God already gave me and persevere to do what He called me to do. Consider the victorious deliverance He can do in my incorrect habits, attitudes and prejudices. Only God can renew my pattern of thoughts daily by the power of His word. Haggai 2:10-19 informs that good attitudes have to be worked on constantly. There is no shortcut to purity. I will be open to His work of healing.

Jotting notes for the day

2006-01-14T23:58:00.000+08:00

Family: It has been a few days that has come and fleet away so quickly, that mum has now left to return to Thailand. Brother has been slightly cranky with senseless nonsense due to current circumstances, yet it was uplifting, as much in his attempts to shade the gloom. Work: Overnight on Thursday, 12 Jan. It was only today that I felt the aches on my left hand and feet. Did not have a full 8 hrs of sleep to recuperate since that day.

Reach Out: Grateful for Meiying's chattiness and care with friends. I see her so motivated to invite Jiahui for Church, since Jiahui has prayed to receive Jesus into her life just last Christmas. Nevertheless, she stands unmoved by persuasion. Despite so, God is faithful to provide people with gifts to reach out to the lost sheep.

Got to know more about Fion through talk and togetherness. Praise: Jesus, Your name is power. Believing much more in the power of God's name to heal Serene and Liying's mum.

Thought Life: Spending time reading about eagles' molting period that Esther was sharing on Jan 2. Will probably need another day to study and ponder on it.

Emotional Life: Glad to have shed certain amount of fear within me since the last month. Back to normal in conversing with people on the phone again. Christ's healing work is in progress, just like prescribed medicine to the physical wound, and the fact that it will take time to heal.

Operation by faith, not fear

2006-01-14T23:12:00.000+08:00

There seems to be a thin line discerning whether you are operating by fear or by faith. Joyce Meyer was suggesting the possibility of Job operating by fear that his children might have sinned, therefore he offered burnt offerings on their behalf. That is why there is a footing for Satan to tempt. I beg to differ this possibility, as it is read that he responded willingly that the Lord gave, and the Lord takes away. Anyone who feared would not so quickly surrender quickly to the thought of God's sovereignty in the lives of his children. Nevertheless, the purpose of this trial was also spelled in this episode, that the Lord has been pleased with Job His servant, who feared God only. Job has initiated to take on the priestly office over his family, as much as God had priests to go about offering burnt offerings on behalf of the Israelites. Nevertheless, the driving point of the lesson is clear, that operating by fear as a Christian will be as if one is treading on the edge of the cliff, at risk of Satan's intervention to attack the faith and one's relationship with God.

Contemplate creation: A theatre of divine glory

2006-01-10T22:44:00.000+08:00

Calvin considered the creation a "theater of the divine glory," but because of the fall "we have not the eyes to see this unless they be illumined by the inner revelation of God through faith." Once we have been given the "spectacles" of scripture, however, "the most perfect way of seeking God" is "to contemplate him in his works." Through the eyes of faith the believer sees design in the creation, which then nourishes that faith in return. - Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, bk. 1, chap. 14, secs. 1 ,9 & 14; chap. 6, sec. 1; chap. 14, sec. 20; Calvin, Commentary on the Epistle to the Hebrews,trans. by John Owen (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1949), 11:3.

Larva Dei

2006-01-09T11:00:00.000+08:00

Martin Luther calls Christians "larva dei", or visible masks of the invisible God, because the world cannot withstand God's glory. We should continue to testify to God's omnipresent power and not be afraid.

Living with saints we love and know

2006-01-08T23:02:00.000+08:00

To live above, with Saints we love, That will be the Glory. But to live below, with Saints we know, Well, that's a different story. Anonymous Living with people here on earth may prove to be a difficult task sometimes, but necessary to seek to do so. There are more than 3 categories of people mingling in the church - the true remnant, the hypocrites, the lukewarm borderline fence-sitters, and the unsaved. What will I do to make a difference in such a place where God desires all to be within the category of the true remnant?

Don't confuse God with the circumstances of life

2006-01-07T22:39:00.000+08:00

The question of the day: Am I confusing God with life? We shouldn't confuse God with life. We have the tendency to think, "Life should be fair because God is fair". Maybe I haven't really adhered to this conviction, though in our subconsciousness we do desire God to treat us well; after all, we've given our time and energy to God. If we develop a relationship with God apart from our life circumstances, then we just may be able to hang on when the physical reality breaks down. We can learn to trust God despite all the unfairness of life. Many of the biblical heroes - Abraham, Joseph, Daniel, Elijah, Jeremiah - all went through trials much like Job's. Certainly at some point of time in their life, the physical reality seemed to present God as the enemy. We need to see God beyond the physical reality to the spiritual reality.

Keep Christ's demonstration of "Saviour complex", not ours

2006-01-07T21:32:00.000+08:00

Am I more concerned about a person's pain than the person himself/herself? Take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Jesus showed an incredible respect for human freedom. He had no compulsion to convert the entire world in his lifetime or to cure people unready to be cured. Those of us in ministry need the kind of "Saviour complex" that Jesus demonstrated. Henri Nouwen concluded that the 2 most damaging motives among ministers are guilt and the desire to save. "The problem with guilt is that it is not taken away by work... Guilt has roots deeper than can be reached through acts of service. On the other hand, the desire to save people from sin, from poverty, or from exploitation can be just as harmful, because the harder one tries the more one is confronted with one's own limitations. Many hardworking men and women have seen situation getting worse during their missionary career; and if they depended solely on the success of their work, they would quickly lose their sense of self-worth." Nouwen concludes, "When we can come to realise that our guilt has been taken away and that only God saves, then we are free to serve, then we can live truly humble lives." God works best through those who have a spirit of humility and gratitude. The syndrome of unhealthy self-sacrifice for the sake of others, of bearing more of a person's pain than the person herself, is sometimes called a "savior complex". Ironically, the true Saviour seemed remarkably free of such a complex. Jesus caught a boat to escape crowds. He insisted on privacy and time alone. Hypersensitivity to pain can be a gift, yes; but like many other gifts, if allowed to control and dominate, it can destroy. I get worried when i see helpers looking more pained and needy than the people they are helping. In the words of poet John Donne, "Other men's crosses are not my cross." Reference: Henri Nouwen - The Wounded Healer

Mood reproval

2006-01-02T00:40:00.000+08:00

I am starting to lose a lot of confidence in persevering in this inner battle. I had wished again God would take away what my hands can do and give me more communication skills that can bring comfort and encouragement to a soul. Doing something for someone may or may not lead that person closer to Christ. Being able to relate with people may or may not guarantee drawing the person closer to Christ. Focus on your God-given portion and trust in Jesus. He has a plan for you. Your guitar skills is in the process of opening a door of opportunity for someone, isn't it? You did not understand your mood swings, and wished to be freed from an artist's idiosyncrasies. It is perfectionism and your desire for acceptance from people, and you dare argue with God regarding your lot?

Get to grips, get real

2005-12-29T15:49:00.000+08:00

To make a hasty generalisation, those who dabble too much in profound philosophical debates without doing what they believe tend to hide behind the facade of experiencing reality. You can almost hear the syndrome expressed when it comes to the crossroads of decision,"Wait, wait! Let me meditate on this first..." And I am complaining like one now... Save your swords of talk and insecure babbles. Take control and do things properly as what you can. Face-savers of this day are not glamorous. This is not a promotion of mavericks, but only fear the lot would be living in psychologically gilded cages and leave life to modus operandi. I want to be as real as I can, not living for the sake of living from day to day and forget what I ate, what I wore, and the times I have with people.

Where the rubber meets the road

2005-12-28T22:12:00.000+08:00

An athelete can train as much, but it will take him to be in the race to know how good he really is. How much we apply our knowledge to wisdom will show when it is tested in the course of life. It's just so easy to want my own ways like how I want things to turn out, how I expect people to be nice; then say life is unfair when I get overwhelmed in handling the situation or relationship. The "Woe is me" line has to go. Character and attitude has everything to do with one's personal view of self and the extent to which he allows the situation to associate with personal self-worth. Much like a burger don't make a glutton, situations don't carve a personality. I have to choose what is right. It would be a constant misery to wear a righteous robe and try to cover the defects. The beauty of a flower is reflected from the correct nurture of nutrients absorbed. Sometimes I am afraid to take the road. Life is just too exciting to be cowardly.

Dive into the deep

2005-12-19T00:20:00.000+08:00

During the worship at service today, I didn't really know how to worship God, because I somehow could not recognise His greatness enough to fully express my belief and conviction. Praying much, I was not sure what I could actually do, but to keep surrendering to Jesus all of that is in mind, and let Him do the rest. I tried to draw metaphors to my struggle with God. One of them is being thrown in the wilderness and much hindered and separated from God. Toward the end of the worship, God answered the prayer by showing me through the carols that the works He did by coming to earth has sealed the victory, I can have direct access here and now. Today's message is wonderful. Before the message ended, I understood that I needed to go deep in the Word of God. Had dinner with Jaime, Fayth and Meihua. During the dinner, our conversation steered to the point that prompted me to share about the dream I had that seemed like a prophecy. As Jaime shared much, at heart I felt like a lost soul, being so separated from God because of my bondage, the same way I felt during worship. A sentence that Jaime spoke was highlighted in my mind,"Do not be discouraged by failures now, you will come forth in victory." She was sharing about someone else who was given this encouragement. But I believed that this is what God is speaking to me now as well. Reflecting back, perhaps the reason God told me to look at my discipleship and closed the doors to missions in 2001 was the similar example of how God pruned Peter. Many things that led to a spiral was after my baptism. God, do you think I should really be doing retail? Will it please You? Is this what You want me to do?

Mind attack

2005-12-16T23:32:00.000+08:00

After fasting, in the evening came a voice again:"Do you know what you're doing?" (To question that I have not achieved much for the day). It blew my mind a little, it was mentally draining. Thus I began to worship God aloud and prayed, focusing my mind on Jesus.

Solitude on servitude

2005-12-16T17:29:00.000+08:00

Thoughts in serving God in 2005. It just crossed my mind to take time to reflect on my servanthood this year. Seems like a bad choice, because I'll probably be poorly rated for performance, since almost a large part of my waking hours this year was dedicated to vocational work, and one of the most luxurious thing is to have time to doll yourself up before going out. If you've identified with me, hope it has made you glad that there's another person you know who only have enough time to ensure the attire and appearance is proper enough to meet people. Overview: Jan - FEBC May onwards - ER Ministry Jun-August - Emmaus Musical Dec - Carols Reflections: Preferences in servanthood Passion Persevering in faithfulness, Pushing the limit Prayer Regarding limitations Regarding failures Regarding sacrifice The goal in servitude is that we may know Him more, and love Him more.

Agonising symptoms

2005-12-03T16:28:00.000+08:00

Wept for no reason in bed at midnight. In deep pain till around 1230am. Could not sleep till 2 plus am. Wanted to take a knife and cut my heart open and figure why it is so painful. "May Your unfailing love come to me, O Lord, and Your salvation according to Your promise; then I will answer the one who taunts me, for I trust in Your Word." Save me, God, I want to be normal. Be able to talk to people and stuff. I am so far from knowing You. I don't know what is love anymore.

The battle in my head

2005-12-03T15:32:00.000+08:00

2 Dec 2005, Friday For the past few years my memory hasn't been good, that I often have to think hard if I have locked the door after walking out from my home for a distance already. There was a time when I was still serving in the youth, I was told to count the number of friends in the evangelistic EBS. I remembered this because I could not count because I forgot whether I have counted the heads on the right before or not, and then fell into a panic attack believing I could not count. False beliefs have a way to penetrate and impair the progress to victory. One of them I battled for many months 1 or 2 years ago is my memory of God's Word. "You can't even remember God's Word, how can you know you have obeyed God?". I struggled with this sentence for a long time, and after getting out of it, now this came - "You are not armed with God's Word, you have no power to fight this spiritual warfare." I believed this, and I would believe I have no power to fight, doomed to defeat. That is wrong, because the power I relied on rested on my effort to remember God's Word, not in the power of God's Word itself. I still have not resolved this truly in my head, but I was already seeking for prayer warriors to pray, and really felt like begging on my knees to those I have asked to pray, to really intercede. The psalmist here truly rested in God's power to save, and none from his ability to do so: "May your unfailing love come to me, O LORD, your salvation according to your promise; then I will answer the one who taunts me, for I trust in your word." - Psalm 119:41-42 The psalmist asks for God and His salvation to come to him, for he knows he cannot do anything at all to save himself. I suppose, not even his memory abilities to remember. I must pray according to this section of Psalm 119: "May your unfailing love come to me, O LORD, your salvation according to your promise; then I will answer the one who taunts me, for I trust in your word. Do not snatch the word of truth from my mouth, for I have put my hope in your laws. I will always obey your law, for ever and ever. I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts. I will speak of your statutes before kings and will not be put to shame, for I delight in your commands because I love them. I lift up my hands to your commands, which I love, and I meditate on your decrees." - Psalm 119:41-48

Green encounter

2005-11-28T11:22:00.001+08:00

27 Nov 2005, Sunday For a week or so now, I have been very concerned about praying against the bondage of fear, after having some bouts of shivering in fear and weeping. This evening, I was in bed but not yet asleep, a male voice spoke:"You will never get out of your bondage of fear," Then I replied,"No, I can - by the blood of Jesus," Then an outline of a pair of green round fury eyes appeared and stared at me. I quickly opened my eyes. This isn't the first time such things happened. Nevertheless, I became afraid and cried, realising that I was in the middle of the battlefield and not know it. Now being more awake, I talked aloud to God about my fears. Sometimes, I am prone to attribute depression as a consequence of my sin. If only I have constantly chosen faith and trust throughout the years of difficulty in coming to church and not anxiety and fear, I would not have experienced such episode. This isn't a good thing, because in this train of thought, I will try to deny it because it is too painful to know my lack of faith caused it, and at the root of it, question God's design of me with this kind of weakness (Isaiah 45:9), which will truly be sinning against Him. It is like walking on the pavement and being hit by a car, then I blamed myself for not watching my step. At any point in time, as long as I'm walking on the streets along the roads, I will always be vunerable to having the possibility of a car accident. Just like at any point in time if something traumatic happens, I will be vunerable to depression, because of the physical makeup of the biochemicals in my brain. I have believed that all things that happened is good, and I accept my condition, and I constantly want to accept the other symptoms that accompanied it. How else will I know if my emotional life is fully surrendered to Jesus? How will I know I have experienced true freedom in Christ in every area of my life?

Green encounter

2005-11-28T11:22:00.000+08:00

Active evil is better than passive good

2005-09-19T00:40:00.000+08:00

When I hear of saddening news as such, usually I will brood and 'sit in the dust' for a while. But God doesn't want me to end my thoughts there. He wants me to see things in His perspective. If you would turn with me to Matthew 5, verse 1 says: Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. What He saw... The multitude that Jesus observed was a convoluted, complicated, confused, hodgepodge of humanity. It consisted of varying personalities, problems, and pains. What He decided to do... Teach. The first need to get out of our convoluted lives is to do what He says... to follow the guidelines that He has set for us - a different life and behaviour of the Kingdom citizen. The Sermon on the Mount describes what human life and human community look like when they come under the gracious rule of God. So yes, Jesus saw our frailty and did something about it. I should also look at humanity with the eyes of God and believe that God is able to restore the soul in a disintegrating culture in any part of the world, and actively press on to tell people about Jesus by my life. Active evil is better than passive good. I must be conscious to live out what He instructs.